Delirium / Epitaph

This is how I've felt about making things, as an act of destroying myself, & for what, peoples mild amusement? longing for things to go wrong? I'm not sure anymore. I never expected things to have been this way, But then I grew up, & saw the world differently, I changed. But the internet is the internet, & I've been paying for those mistakes by the pound. These things I've done that I regret & have done my best to atone for, simply won't matter, not when people show no forgiveness & want nothing but blood to pay the debts. & blood is what they will get, & even then I'm not sure it will be enough. Even in saying this, even by coming back at all, It feels like I'm just lighting myself on fire & then watch all the moths come towards me. & I don't feel pride, I feel paranoid, I feel threatened.